Determined

Determined

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I could easily see the bright rectangular florescent lights in the hallway of the hospital pass one by one as the transporter wheeled me into surgery on the gurney. As the anesthesia began to take effect, an overwhelming fear gripped me like an unexpected blast of thunder. Something wasn’t right. Something was desperately wrong! I had to get off the table!

As I attempted my escape from this terrorizing nightmare, I woke up in another, far more frightening with the voice of a man screaming at me. “Shawn! Shawn! Cough so you can breathe! Your lungs are filled with fluid. Shawn, can you hear me?! Cough! You have to fight or you’re not going to make it.” Any attempt to cough was derailed by the excruciating pain shooting from my abdomen that had been cut open by the surgeon’s scalpel. I didn’t want to die!

Twice during my eight-hour recovery room battle, death came close to claiming its prize, which made my pre-surgical premonition appear to be much more than a hallucination induced by too much anesthesia. Waking up alone in intensive care hours later with stabbing pain in my throat from the breathing tubes and in my belly from the deep incision in my abdomen, I wondered if death might have been the better option. I’m forever grateful that my merciful Maker had other plans for me.

My wife came to visit me a few hours later in ICU, informing me that the Dallas hospital had failed to communicate anything to her about my close-to-death experience. Aware that a general recovery room time-frame was under three hours, she approached the nurses’ station multiple times for information but received none. Only when a doctor approached her eight hours after my surgery to inform her that they were moving me into the intensive care unit did she realize the full extent of my condition.

The medical profession defines what happened to me as pulmonary edema. I was basically drowning in my own body fluids, probably from an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. Adding to my distress, my intestines also temporarily shut down, rendering me unable to relieve myself. The pain I experienced as result was unlike anything I could have imagined—far greater than the chronic back pain that had initially driven me to attain the lumbar spinal fusion. 

Since my early childhood, I had suffered with neck and back pain. It wasn’t until I was a young adult that I’d discovered that I had been born with a minor spinal birth defect. My parents never seemed to believe me when I complained about the pain, which most likely contributed to why it was left untreated. Because my back issues had not been properly diagnosed, I repeatedly suffered throughout my teen and early adult years by doing chores and activities that my spine was incapable of performing safely. 

In my early twenties, while driving to work at my first church position in southern Illinois one rainy night, my accumulating back problems went over the edge when my car was broadsided by an oncoming vehicle. Treated for whiplash and a cervical spine injury, I was unable to work for months. When I was able to return to my leadership responsibilities at the church, I had to quickly retreat to a room adjacent to the sanctuary to lie flat on my back as soon as I finished.

I spent months going to chiropractic appointments and living with debilitating pain. Over time, I was able to return to my everyday routine, but the chronic pain and the acute sciatica which eventually developed dominated my life.

By the time I was twenty-nine, my pain was literally paralyzing at times. I recall many nights having to depend on my wife to help me to bed because of the crippling pain and temporary loss of mobility in my left leg. It became increasingly challenging not to allow the fear of becoming physically disabled to completely submerse me in its grave of discouragement.

Following the surgery, as I completed the fifth and final physical therapy session that my limited insurance plan provided me, it was quite obvious that I would have to take my rehabilitation into my own hands. Still walking with a cane and unable to tie my shoes, I hobbled out to the college (where I was teaching) running track night after night to walk my laps. My slow, feeble movements resembled those of someone much older, but each persistent step I took filled me with an inner strength and hope that I would not always be like this. Something far greater inside me would not allow me to give up.

There were days that I struggled to get out of bed because of the intense pain and looming depression, but I persistently summoned the stubbornness that I’d inherited from my mother to press forward, determined to get to the other side. As I fought for months to regain what I had lost, I was often humbly reminded of the times that I had been so impatient at the mall or in the line at the grocery store when I encountered the disabilities of others. How insensitive and un-Christ like I had been. “Never again,” I told myself.

It’s amazing how the depth and insight of spiritual teaching becomes so much clearer when we are walking through the darkness.  Much more than our victories, pain makes us who we are.

 

Freeing Forgiveness

Freeing Forgiveness

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As my weekend came to an end, I relaxed in knowing that I’d completed and checked off everything on my to-do list. I felt content and ready for the new week to begin—or so I thought. I went to the gym early that Monday morning to squeeze in a quick workout before meeting with my first client. In the midst of my reverse crunches and tricep dips, there he was, the guy who in the course of one drunken night had changed my life forever: my rapist. Looking older and heavier, yet possessing the same unforgettable features, he stood only ten feet in front of me with his trainer, seemingly unaware of my presence. Memories began to flip through my mind like the black Rolodex that used to house all of my important contacts; memories of the weeks he had relentlessly pursued me, watching me, waiting for the right time.

“Does he have any idea of the immense pain he caused me?” I wondered. Did he know I’d quit my job shortly after what had happened, tormented for weeks on end, wanting to quit my life, too? Surely he was completely oblivious to how I’d blamed myself for being drunk and alone that night.

As I sat there on the bench in the gym that Monday morning wanting to take full advantage of this special moment I had been given, I asked myself, “What do you feel, Shawn? Honestly?” I felt relieved; I felt thankful. I had seen my rapist around town several times over the years since that awful night. Each time I saw him, I felt angry. Never once did he acknowledge what he had done or take responsibility for his actions. He even denied it when I and others close to me confronted him. Even though I was easily able to recall the memories of that horrible event, there was no denying that seeing him this time was noticeably different. I didn’t experience the rapid breathing pattern or the sensation of wanting to run and hide from the shame as I had done before. No, things had changed. Most importantly, I had changed! My endless hours of prayer, deep emotional work, and therapy have established me in a much better place. I didn’t feel the anger any more. “Are you sure you’ve forgiven him?” I thought. Well aware that forgiveness is not a feeling but a choice, I made the decision once again to forgive, just in case there was any piece of me that had not. I inwardly asked God to help me let go of any remaining residue of pain and to have mercy on this one who had hurt me so deeply.

FORGIVENESS is the healing ointment to the aching wounds of disappointment; the key that unlocks the prison door of anger. FORGIVENESS is the medicine that cleanses the soul from the poisonous toxicity of bitterness and resentment. To choose FREEING FORGIVENESS is to choose LIFE.

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